Yoweri People's Democratic Republic

Yoweri Kaguta Museveni of Uganda is unlikely to vocalise that classic dictum of absolutism, “L’etat, c’est moi” (“I am the state”), any time soon. No, he doesn’t have to. This is because the Museveni patrimony in contemporary Uganda state is writ large. Museveni, who has been head of regime since 1986 and had played a key role in the countrywide insurgency of the 1970s to terminate the Idi Amin vile dictatorship, is on course to stand for reelection yet again next year, after changing the country’s 1995 constitutional provision that had restricted occupancy by the president to a maximum of two 4-year terms. The top echelons of the country’s political, military and economic establishment are occupied by leading members of the Museveni family: wife Janet is not only “first lady” but cabinet minister responsible for the important Karamoja north region; son Muhoozi, who has commanded a special forces brigade in the military for two years, has now been appointed commander of the presidential guards and only few doubt that he is “heir apparent” despite the officially-designated republican status of Uganda; oldest daughter Natasha is private secretary to the president and her husband Edwin oversees a real estate empire which specialises on state contracts; second daughter Patience heads a major pentecostal church in Kampala that attracts an influential clientèle of worshippers; third daughter Diana’s husband’s (Geoffrey) consultancy firm specialises in petroleum oil prospecting while Museveni’s foreign minister Sam Kutesa is none other than the father-in-law of son Muhoozi; sister Miriam is administrator at the presidency and younger brother Caleb is senior presidential advisor on defence. The leader’s cousins and wife’s cousins and their in-laws and the in-laws’ cousins and the in-laws’ cousins’ cousins and their cousins make up an impressive network of this hardworking and dedicated apparatchik. It is surely ironical, in retrospect, that the sub-title of Museveni’s very informative 1997-published memoirs on the resistance during that tragic Idi Amin epoch in Uganda is captioned, “The Struggle for Freedom and Democracy in Uganda”.

Yet, just to allay the concerns of some future sceptic who may not be too sure of the validity of the Uganda=Museveni plc prevailing geopolitical equation that most Ugandans recognise, it may be advisable for the regime to extend its legacy further by naming some noticeable landmarks, especially cities, towns, lakes, rivers, mountains, fauna and flora in the country after some of its illustrious personnel. Capital Kampala’s name should henceforth change to Kaguta, the leader’s middle name and the historic Makerere University renamed Museveni University. The beautiful city of Entebbe is henceforth called Janet. The majestic Lake Victoria that bears the name of a subjugating foreign sovereign of yesteryears now has a new name, albeit belatedly, appropriately called Lake Janet and the scrumptious tilapia therein acquires the name of the much-treasured initials, ykm. The delectable matoke national dish of course becomes mky, the reverse of those initials! The north town of Gulu becomes Miriam and Caleb replaces the name of Mbarara in the south.

Finally, those remaining locally entrenched references that are an uncomfortable reminder of that era of British conquest and occupation of Uganda such as Lakes Albert, Edward and George, Fort Portal and Mount Elgon require an immediate erasure for the following more deserving substitutes: Lake Kaguta, Lake Natasha, Lake Patience, Fort Diana and Mount Muhoozi respectively. Following from these transmutations, Victoria Nile and Albert Nile, the names of the two great River Nile tributaries, become Janet Nile and Kaguta Nile. For a more edifying and immortalising signature, cartographers must be alerted to the new name of the Republic of Uganda – Yoweri People’s Democratic Republic.